casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
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I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
🤣🤣💀
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.