My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
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“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.