Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
You Might Also Like
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.