A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
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my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”