Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
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I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.