Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
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I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
lol
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”