I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
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ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus: