[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
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[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Its true…
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
scares
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?