I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
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I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
whatcha thinkin bout
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet