BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
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Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know