I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
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My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Well, this certainly took a turn
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms