I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
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Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
A man of commitment.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
my proudest tweet
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*