Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
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My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments