Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
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ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”