4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
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I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will