*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
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Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Mornin
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye