How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
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Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
A great tip. #CakeRex
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?