Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
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I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I feel seen
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
*frowns in Scottish*
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.