Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
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pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.