I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
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Fluff me with a fork baby
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
i actually laughed 😩
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company