My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
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WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Me too 😆
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason