If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
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Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is