“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
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Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs