I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
You Might Also Like
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
okay run it by me one more time
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
My circle of trust is a meatball
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?