To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
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Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.