I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
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🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.