In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
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rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Sing it!
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret