This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
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Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin