My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
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consequences, the bane of my existence
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
what kind of cook setting is this??
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
gm
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
This is no longer winter this is harassment
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.