Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
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Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.