If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
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This is no longer an app but a mishapp
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
This is amazing.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?