[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
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“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
you stereotypes are all alike
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you