The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
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While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Finally!
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.