[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
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went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.