Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
You Might Also Like
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
My Guy
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.