Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
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What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Y’all ready for this
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too