NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
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I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.