Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
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Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.