Cutest fight ever.. 😊
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My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On