me, after any kind of buffet.
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*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…