model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
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*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
this is uni
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*