[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
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Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
sliding into dms like
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
It do be feeling this way.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing