INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
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Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
We’ve all been there…
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit