Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
You Might Also Like
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on