In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
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my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
shit just got real
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’