My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
You Might Also Like
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?