Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
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That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
uncle dave has been through hell
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…