“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
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I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.