[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
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Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.