i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
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All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Natty or not?
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.